Getting to know me: The End of Monster

Monster was back in the trailer…it was early in the morning, so we all went back to bed. As I laid down, praying Monster would just go to sleep, I noticed my suitcase was sticking out a little from under the bed. I sat up to push it back, but heard that same eerie creak I would hear each night, Monster was out of bed and on the prowl. I hurriedly laid back down to act like I was already in a deep sleep. It was either act like I was asleep so he would leave me alone possibly, or be awake and  have one more nightmare to live through. I didn’t want him to see the suitcase, but I didn’t want him to touch me again either. Just pray, just pray is all I could tell myself to do…and there he was in my room…one last time.

He lightly shook me to see if I was awake. I didn’t move. I laid there as still as possible, praying the whole time “God please, please don’t let him hurt us anymore. Please don’t let him see our suitcases. Please don’t let Monster win.”  Monster stopped trying to wake me up and as he was leaving my room, he stubbed his toe on the suitcase. “This was it,” I thought” Monster was going to see the suitcase, figure out we were trying to leave and kill us.” My whole body was one giant river of sweat, my stomach sunk into the bed…This was it. It was all over…All he had to do was flip on the lights to see the suitcase. I was dreading the worst but by the grace of God, Monster stumbled into the hall, went to the bathroom checked his foot, then … went back to bed. God was hearing my prayers as He always does. God saved us.

As hard as it was to lay in that bed til morning, that is exactly what I did. I moved the suitcase back further under the bed, stayed in my room until I heard Monster leave to go see his parents. As I walked out into the hall, I saw that mom was already on the phone with the crisis center. She was writing down things on a piece of paper, she looked up at me and smiled…. this was really happening. I had the most odd feelings going through my head and body. Happiness, joy, elation, exhaustion, anxiety, fear and loss. Loss sounds funny I’m sure for you hear; but none the less, I was losing my possessions that I had left. We couldn’t take all our belongings to the shelter, they wouldn’t have room. I couldn’t take my dog. I know it sounds silly, but I didn’t want to leave those things, they were my world when I tried to forget my life. Now how would I forget my life without them? Mom told me to be ready with my suitcase, they would be there in 15 minutes. That was the longest and shortest 15 minutes of my life. Long because Monster could come back, shortest because how do you pack your life into one suitcase.

The knock on our door was like an angel coming to say “I am here to take you to a safe place!” , and they did. We walked out of that trailer, into the back of a station wagon. There was one man and two women in the car. It gets just a little fuzzy here in this memory of mine. I remember looking back at that trailer, relief fell over my body. I could finally rest, I could finally speak, I could finally be 13. The people took us to the shelter. It was a place for abused women and children to stay. No one knew where it was located. It’s like we were in hiding, that made me feel even better. The rules there were simple, ALL doors to the outside were to remain shut and double locked. There was no roaming the grounds, one kitchen for all to use and clean up. Mom and I had our own room with bunk beds a closet and bathroom. There was a crisis room in case one of the woman’s abusers did find the shelter, we would go in this room until police arrived.

We had to be interviewed upon arrival of the shelter. We sat in a room and were asked questions about our lives and how much abuse we had gone through. The room was warm and inviting. Comfortable couch to sit on, yet there was all this paperwork and questions. The more questions that were asked to my mom, the more she cried. The more she cried, the more I cried. I don’t think anyone can bear to see their mom cry and with everything we had gone through, it was going to be a long day of crying for us both. We sat in that room, on the comfy couch for what seemed like hours, documenting all Monster had done to mom. The counselors were so loving, gentle, and kind. They held us, prayed with us, loved on us… God sent us to the right place.

My interview was next and I couldn’t do it at first. They didn’t pressure me they waited and told me I could talk when I was ready. My mom had told them I had been  sexually abused as well, so they were anxious to get the process going so I could get set up with the proper counselor. What no one realized was I not only was ashamed and embarrassed but I didn’t want my mom to know everything. I didn’t want her to know all the details. I didn’t want her to feel worse than she already did. She didn’t need to know there were times he would be on the verge of an attack so I would ask him to just hurt me instead. That he would rape me, and tell me he loved me at the same time. She didn’t need to know that I was smart enough to worry about becoming pregnant by him, but he had a vasectomy. When I did have my interview it was one of the hardest, humiliating talks I had ever had. Little did I know they would be the beginning of my healing process.

As a child of sexual abuse Iwas robbed of so many innocents of life. I thought sex was horrible, ugly, disgusting, the thought of sex made me sick to my stomach. Since I asked Monster to take me instead of my mother, I had guilt that it was my fault… I did ask for it. Monster and other abusers also know that even children have a natural stimulation that happens during sex and they make you feel guilty for that as well. Since they can stimulate you, you must like it right? Therefore, you want it as bad as they do. So many times these thoughts went through my head, I felt ashamed of myself. I felt as though I committed adultery with Monster, against my mother.  Counseling soon taught me that I was the victim, I was the child, I was NOT in the wrong… Monster was. I was in counseling for several years…God restored me. He took a broken little girl and piece by piece put her back together, showing her the beauty she has always had living inside of her.

So what happened to Monster? Did he ever find us? Did he die in prison? Did he get everything he deserves? The answer is No, No and yes. Monster never found us. Mom got a divorce from him in 1985.She was married to him for 9 years. No, Monster never went to prison, jail or court for that matter. Between mom, me and my counselors it was decided the trauma of trial and reliving all the details in public would be more harm than good for me. Did Monster get everything he deserves…. my answer is yes I believe he did and will. As far as I know Monster is still alive and well. I have spotted him on occasion when I go back home to see my family. He even had the audacity to be one of the veterans that showed up at my paw paws funeral ( no one really figured it out but me, until he was already gone).

So how is it he is getting what he deserves? I know you all must be thinking I am crazy that he is getting what he deserves, yet he didn’t spend one minute in jail for what he did to me… but trust me and I will explain.  Through my journey and walk with Jesus Christ, I’ve learned that I needto live and love according to what Gods word says:

Matt. 22: 37 -39 ³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ ³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

When God revealed this to me, I didn’t know what to think. I was taken back and made to realize God loved me so much He created me, He created ALL THINGS. He created Monster too. This didn’t sit real well with me, then  before that had a chance to sink in, God revealed another part of his word:

Colossians 3:12-13  So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; 13bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. 

God, really?? This monster potentially could have ruined my life. Statistically, I should have become a prostitute, junkie, drug dealer, sexually promiscuous and now you want me to forgive him? All those things I had to endure? The pain, the hurt, the fear … God are you sure? I don’t think I can do all this! I am not strong enough to forgive and love this monster. This monster that tortured me for 9years of my life! Lord, no, no I can’t! I wrestled with the Lord on this for a very long time.

I was 13 when we left in 1985. In 2009, God showed me monster in a whole new perspective. I was studying a book by Rick Warren called ” The Purpose Driven Life” I was in the chapter about forgiveness when God showed me this broken, bruised, beaten down little boy. A boy with no voice, a boy with no chance to break a cycle of abuse. God showed me a little boy who grew up with no guidance, lots of anger and no chance to change what he was going to become. I was shown and reminded what part of me already knew. Monster had also been a victim of abuse. I don’t know his story, it doesn’t make what he did to me right, but it does change my perspective.

That day, I saw what God sees, a child in need of love and forgiveness. All that hate that I held on to, did nothing but prevent me from moving forward. All that hate had absolutely NO effect on monster, only me. That day I forgave and loved monster as God would have me do. I could not do that AT ALL on my own, it was through God’s mercy and grace that I could go to that place of forgiveness, of love. Do I want to ever be around Monster, tell him of my forgiveness?… absolutely not. Do I think God is a just God and Monster will have consequences for his sin? Absolutely I do… but I could care less. God has given me freedom, restoration, mercy, and grace. He has given me a life with a wonderful testimony of His promises and love. My journey isn’t even close to being over with, I can’t wait for God to reveal more and more of His great wisdom. I pray that I will choose the right way to live my life each day and know I have to take life day by day.

 

 

The Brutal, Ugly Truth… ugh

I know you are jumping up and down with anticipation over this title. NOT!!

The fact is sometimes in life we make changes according to what we think others want from us.  When I say “we” anywhere in this particular blog, I guess I really mean “me”, or “I” for the grammatically correct version. Also, I know in most of my blogs, I try to be lighthearted, funny even. I hope I can still show my wittiness and honesty at the same time.

Today I dropped one of my rings on the floor. I reached down to pick it up, when the oddest thought hit me…. What exactly are you reaching for Michelle? I’ve gone months without blogging for one reason or another, then today… whammo… What am I reaching for in life?

Now here’s where it gets ugly… By the way, does anyone besides me tell their children to stop being ugly?? Random yes, truthful yes. I started thinking about all the “things” I’ve been focusing on, not just lately, but most of my life. Those “things” happen to be very scary to tell you, to open up and be vulnerable about, but “things” I feel I’m not alone in (or maybe I am alone, just don’t hate me).

So here goes… In some form or fashion I’ve always wanted to be the center of attention. When I say center of attention I mean I want to feel important. I want people to think I matter. Does anyone else feel this way? I’m not outlandishly overt in the ways I go about my day. I don’t intentionally set an agenda each day to make myself look important or anything, however I do notice it more lately than before: the longing to feel like I matter. Now let me be clear, in no way do I think I deserve any of the attention I may or may not be receiving. I definitely  like it when I do get attention. I don’t know if it has to do with my childhood, society,or what? Here’s what I do know, I have faith in a God who loves me with a love that will never let me go. I have an amazing husband who accepts me for who I am and still loves me after knowing me more than 12 years!  Wonderful children who are bright and supportive of me. I’m sure there is a psychologist out there ready to fix me somehow… trust me the only help I need, is to just give it to God. Now with all that love and support I CAN get from my heavenly Father, my family etc… I still want to be wanted and important to somebody.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? Why can’t I accept the fact that I’m not anymore important than anyone else? My head knows I’m important to God, my heart, my emotions, they are the culprits to all this nonsense. We/I rely on my/ our heart and emotions that are guided by the flavor of the moment so to speak.  I am working on this little/big problem, it’s just not easy to do or admit to it… but here I am trying to be truthful. I hope I have the guts to publish this!!

Now I know you savvy, smart, independant types are out there reading this and saying… “Wow, what an ego!! This chick is full of herself!” Honestly it is quite the opposite, the next ugly thing to be truthful about, I’ve never thought I’m good enough… and I mean for anything! Not a good enough christian, wife, mother, friend, manager, Sunday school teacher. You name it I’ve thought I’m not good enough for it. I am working on this by the way, so no pity comments to make me “feel better”. I’m just trying to be honest about what goes on up here in that thing we call a brain! I honestly don’t think I’m alone in this kind of thinking. I think between society, Disney movies (sorry Disney but you know I’m right), etc… we women put a lot on ourselves to be perfect and have that perfect life… Guess what??? It ain’t happenin sista!!

Also, just a little FYI, I’m not on the verge of a nervous break down… it already happened…LOL, just kidding. I’m really quite fine. I  just don’t think people talk about this stuff enough. We all have to act like we have it all together, all the answers, all the ducks in a row, when even the most put together person is probably in the worst shape. All this to say, I’m just a girl, yes I still think of myself as a girl, trying to be real. I’m not perfect, nor do I really deep down, want to be. I will never have it all figured out. I have to keep moving on, learning more, pray more, be more in tune with my fellow man. I have to be willing to say things that are truthful, even if its UGLY. Through all of my life ,I have a heavenly Father to hold His arms around me, when my whole world seems to be falling apart. I don’t know how people get through life without God and the hope of Heaven. He provides for all my needs, by giving me a loving husband and family. I hope this blog has moved you, reminded you that we are all in this together. If you ever have a time you don’t know what to do… God has provided a survivor manual called the Bible to help us day by day.

Mind vs. Reality

I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting older, having two autoimmune diseases, or older and diseases; but whichever it may be, my mind  is ready to do some business, the reality is my body doesn’t want to respond as it use to!! Does anyone else follow me here?  I feel like my mind is telling me ” Michelle, you need to go, go, go today!! Just like you are 20 again.” My body however, says “You have got to be crazy!”

It’s so very frustrating to have to slow down and listen to a body that has betrayed you! In my mind, I should still be able to live on a couple hours of sleep and tons of coffee with a little milk. The reality, I have to try to get 6 to 10 hours a night.  If I don’t get much sleep my body tells me  in some lovely ways… “umm No I’m not going to clean the house all day, you didn’t provide enough rest for me. You might as well chill out  little mind… I’m about to cause you some major pain and fatigue!” I’m going to bed before my oldest child for goodness sake!!

In my mind I should be able to run all my errands on Saturdays like I’ve always done. Reality, if the weather has changed, if I’ve eaten too much sweets or had some stress…. (and we all know NO ONE IS EVER STRESSED, especially moms) my body decides to hurt all over or make me so tired I have to lay down for most of the day. Now I know you are probably thinking, Man I’d love to just lay around and do nothing all day! On the contrary, if you are being forced to do something, it’s really not as fun as choosing to do so. I can’t work a full day at work without being so wiped out I come home and lay in the recliner for a couple of hours most of the time.

I’m a full time wife and mother of two. I work about 35 hours a week. My mind wants to keep going like I’ve always done! The reality is I have to pick and choose what is most important to do on any given day.  It’s like having a battery life on your phone. Do you run an app the whole time and let it use up a good percentage of your battery? Or do you turn off everything and save the battery for when you really need it?  These are the things that fill my mind most days.

I’m sure you are sitting there saying ” This woman needs to get a grip and stop complaining!” I totally agree, this is my new “normal” so to speak. I am slowly coming to reality that there are certain things I can and can’t do now. There are so many people that are worse off than me. I know all of this, but this is my way of expressing myself without dumping all of this on my sweet husband or my close friends all the time. This is also a very raw moment that will fade away. I don’t feel like this 24/7.

So while we are on the subject, I am a christian/follower of Jesus Christ, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to have bad days. It doesn’t mean that I am perfect, as a matter of fact, I’m far, far from perfect.  My God is so big, so strong, so mighty, He can handle that I’m not always okay with what I’m having to deal with daily, sometimes hourly. So anyone who reads my blog, understand me when I say I know Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I don’t need judgments from you, or comments telling me what a bad person I am. Or how if I would just give it all to Jesus I wouldn’t have all these feelings I do. Until you have walked EXACTLY in my shoes, you don’t have a clue! So honestly if you have judgments (which God is my only judge) against me or my feelings…. go look in the mirror and see if that person has it all together perfectly before you throw your stones at me.

I know God has a purpose for me and what I’m going through. I’ve already learned some rather humbling lessons. I’ve learned to not judge people that look normal, but act like they can’t do some things. They may be dealing with an invisible disease like mine. I’ve learned that God loves each and everyone of us, just how we are. When He decides to start molding and sculpting us in His image, He will do it in a loving way, with His peace and comfort surrounding me.  God is love and love is God. So I will continue to blog my feelings, my days that are good and bad. If I can help one other person dealing with these crazy diseases, then it is all worth it. God will continue to help me in this journey, because He loves me and He loves you. I hope to live my life as a reflection of Jesus day by day.

Calgon…. Take me away!!!

So it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I sincerely apologize, things lately have just been a little crazy in my world. I’m sure you have no idea what I’m talking about <she says in a sarcastic tone>.  No one who is anyone would have a lot on their plate at once, I’m pretty sure the whole world revolves around me and my problems…. right? No? I’m wrong? Basically if you are breathing, you have something crazy or just down right hard you are having to deal with. You’ve got so much going on you don’t know where to start?  Feeling completely overwhelmed… Well then, do we have some things in common!!

These days it seems like the world just keeps on going and throwing things at me and I’m sure you too, like we are a bad comedian on stage. They just keep hitting us to see if we will leave or give up!! Doesn’t matter the time of day or the place I’m in, the world keeps going and I’m just trying to keep up with some sort of sanity left.

First up on my plate will be :  My last Dr. visit, not sure if I told you I switched Dr.’s, but now you are informed…lol This Dr. is in Texas, he is very intelligent, informed and called me ” a pain in the butt!”  So I pretty much like him, he calls things as he sees them hehehe. I will be seeing him again on the 17th to find out if he has narrowed my disease down even more or not. Last visit he said I either have <drum roll please> Rheumatoid Arthritis with Fibromyalgia or Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease with Fibromyalgia. I know, I know ,you are all jealous that you couldn’t  be so special too. I mean come on we all knew there was something a little different about me….lol

Next on the plate of mine would be:   a phone call on the weekend from a friend taking care of my father-in-law, telling me his cancer is now back with a vengence and has spread. They are only giving him a few months more and that would be a gift according to them.  As my husband and I are on-line trying to book a flight to go see him and possibly get him here for his last remaining months… the phone rings yet again…. ARE YOU READY FOR THIS ONE?? Its my husbands mother…. they found a spot on her lungs that they found in a routine check up for hip surgery. She had surgery on Tuesday of this last week. So we change flights for my husband to go be with his mother for surgery. The surgery is a sucess, they find the spots… its Cancer, they remove half of her left lung, they check her lymph nodes, she is free from Cancer thus far. But seriously, both calls in one day hours apart?? COME ON!!

Can’t leave out the mashed potatoes and gravy of the plate: ie… my children. Understand I love my children with all my heart, well after God and my husband… but you know what I mean. However, they are both at the ages of testing my very being and pushing me to, and almost beyond, my limits. I’m sure they do it to see how strange they can make my face look before I burst out into all sorts of madness, that of which they have brought me to. NO ONE can press your buttons faster and harder than your children!!

My oldest has recently been just being a “normal teenager” if there is anything normal about that! Without airing all her laundry out in the open, lets just say, she has brought me to making her cut up a favorite dress, because of her disobedience. Scrubbing ALL the tile in the house on her hands and knees for 5 1/2 hours with an itty, bitty, tiny scrub brush and yet she hasn’t quite learned that I really do mean it when I say “follow the rules”… don’t break, bend or push them just follow them for your own good and my sanity.

Last but certainly not least… yes it is a vanity thing… I’m losing even more hair. As soon as I can I’ll get a good pic up so you can actually see the progress so to speak.  It’s coming out quite faster than it had before, so I cut it really short to get ready in case it all falls out. I can prepare my self mentally, you know, if I have anything mentally still up there…LOL Friends I will tell you this, if I start looking like a dog with mange… I will have a head shaving party and shave it all off  with my closest friends here to support me. I’m telling you this will be one thing I will want to control and not let it control me. (side note: then I can maybe get a tatoo on my head of like a wicked looking zipper down the middle… what do you think? lol)

Now here’s the part I won’t charge you for… ready??.… with all this going on in my life, I am still so full of peace and joy, it’s absolutely mind boggling if you just think about it. I know you probably don’t believe me, unless you know me.

Everyday I have so much to be thankful for, I look forward to each day. I want to love on people and let them know they are Fearfully and Wonderfully made.  I have a wonderful family to make me smile each day. My church family is so supportive and help me anytime I need. I have my home, car, food and a job.  But I’m human and I let my plate get piled upon, just let it get bigger and heavier till its overflowing and overwhelming. When I  finally give it to God, lay it all at His feet… my plate becomes empty. When I am so overwhelmed I can lean on my Father, He will hold my hand and never let me go. He will lead me in the right direction. He is taking care of all my needs. He gives me strength, day by day.

Psalm 61

1 Hear my cry, O God;

2 From the end of the earth I will cry to You, When my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Isaiah 58

11 The Lord will guide you continually, And satisfy your soul in drought, And strengthen your bones; You shall be like a watered garden, And like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.